Paradox of my psyche

Amy and I were watching a show where a trainer transforms one obese person in one year. The obese guy was in his mid-20s and weighed 700 pounds! He previously played high school football and had dreams and aspirations of playing in college and in the pros.

Don't we all?

As part of the transformation/show, the trainer had the guy practice with NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin. Now if all you know about "The Playmaker," as he is sometimes referred to, is that he got busted for drugs and hookers, or perhaps that Eagle fans cheered when he broke his neck, that's OK. But even with all of his personal issues and how he rubbed opponents the wrong way, no one ever questioned Irvin's work ethic, heart or desire.

Irvin is a pretty intense guy and not afraid to "dress someone down," so to speak. He doesn't mind yelling at people or telling people they are not up to par. He had a reality show a few years back where he held auditions/boot camp for a roster spot with the Dallas Cowboys, and Irvin put those guys through some pretty grueling tasks.

So the show with the obese guy (he lost 150 pounds in 3 months and still weighed 500 pounds!) had Irvin putting James (that's the obese guy) through various drills. Nothing too dramatic. Just some one-on-one lineman drills. James missed some blocks and made some blocks, which is pretty standard in the world of tackle football linemen. Even Anthony Munoz allowed a sack from time to time. Anyway, after James was finished working out The Playmaker said he had heart, he had potential and if someone recognized that when he was in high school, James could have made a career out football. I scoffed at that statement, but basically chalked it up to making the subject of the show feel better about himself.

Later, it was revealed that the last time James weighed less than 400 pounds, he was a junior in high school. And then the trainer introduced him as a "former high school star football player."

I got mad.

Amy got mad at me for getting mad at the show. She didn't know why I was so upset about Michael Irvin saying James had potential to play college football and possibly even the pros and why I cared so much that they called him a "former high school football star."

I didn't tell Amy this, but it's because if James was a star and had potential to go a long way in football, that means he was/is better than me. And I just can't accept that.

I'm not saying that I was a high school football star. I wasn't. I didn't make any all-league selection. No first-team. No second-team. No honorable mention. I didn't play after high school. No junior college. No Division II. No Division III. Certainly no Division I.

But there is no way in God's Green Earth that James, who weighed 400 pounds as a junior in high school, had more potential than I did. There is no way that James, who played in the high-stakes high school football glory land of Texas, was a star while I, who played in talent-rich Southern California, was a nobody. I flatly refuse to believe it.

Now, I was good. I held my own. I even started in the California-Hawaii All Star Game. But I was no star and I know I had little, if any, potential to play further than I did. Granted, I am playing semi-pro football right now, but, again, I am not a star.

I have been watching the "Top 100 Players of 2011" on the NFL Network. They say there is an average of 3 players from each team on the list. And it had me thinking who the top 3 players on the Portland Raiders were and where I would rank on that list. There is no question I am not in the top 3. I seriously doubt I am in the top 10. And I can honestly tell you that James would not start ahead of me on this team. No chance. And if I went up against him, I would pummel him. Pummel him! He is a big dude and I may not be strong, but I know for a fact that I would win. Guaranteed.

I often go into a circular round of thought when it comes to my football playing abilities. I know I'm not very good. I know I have severe limitations. But I have confidence that I am better than you. How can that be? I do not know, but it happens all the time. I don't think I'm good enough to play semi-pro football, that I'm lucky to be on the team. But I think I should be an all-star.

That's the paradox of my psyche: I'm not very good, but I know I'm better than you!

How and why do I think that? Do I not have confidence? Or do I have too much confidence. Am I just being modest? Or am I just looking at reality? And which is the reality, the lucky-to-be-on-the-team or the all-star?

I don't know, but either way, I know I'm better than James.